Shady.com

I know that the actual word is "shaadi". But as anyone who has had some experience with matrimonial websites will attest to, the word shady is a pretty accurate description of some of the people you find there. You'll find profile names like "New_Seduction", or the same person will have five different profiles. And you can easily tell which one was created by the parents ("My daughter is a homely nice convent-educated cultured girl") and which one is by the daughter herself ("I am an easy-going fun girl who loves watching cricket with friends"). This post, as you can already guess, is going to be about my experiences with people I met there.

I actually had to open an account on these websites because I was asked to review others' profiles. No, not girls' profiles for me, but profiles of other guys and girls who my friends were considering. The reason being, after you have looked at 3-4 profiles, the website doesn't let you see any more profiles unless you register. I did delete cookies a few times and kept going back, but it seemed too much effort and so I finally registered. No pictures, no contact info, just simple registration. And I discovered some interesting things.

You know, there are loads of funny email forwards about the stuff people write on their matrimonial profiles, such as this one. In my experience I found most profiles were pretty sober and honest. Of course once in a while you find a gem of a profile, mostly from girls. "No Canada is not a state of the US: don't ask me if I am going to move there". "Yes I do drink alcohol: I have already mentioned that on my profile. Sending me three emails again to confirm wouldn't change it". Ostensibly, guys have been finding it tough to believe that such beautiful and accomplished women would refuse to be charmed by them or be so morally corrupt to touch alcohol. :P

And going through profiles, you think they almost have a template for writing those. "My daughter is a very educated and cultured individual. She has a modern outlook and yet she has deep Indian cultural values"... if I had a mango for every time I read that sentence I'd probably have my own brand of mango jam by now. Or from profiles written by girls, "I am looking for a honest responsible caring person with a sense of humour who will take care of me and will respect my feelings": this is the sentence around which the rest of the paragraph must be built. The question you need to ask yourself is, who will not be looking for someone like that? Would you even consider marrying someone who is irresponsible? Or for that matter how many guys would be interested if you are a stuck-up b**** with an arrogant attitude or an uncouth uncultured person? That is what everyone is, what everyone writes... it is the default assumption! How does your profile write-up set you apart in any manner?

Here is what I had on my profile (as far as I remember): "I believe I am a mixture of two extreme opposites. Some day I'll try to convince you how your jumping off a cliff will help solve global warming, on another day I'll discuss how the media euphemism of climate change is masking the real problem. Sometimes incessant leg pulling and banter is my idea of fun, and sometimes sitting quietly for hours on a moonlit rooftop is my idea of bliss. I could go on about the charming responsible handsome guy that I am, the ideal Mr. Right, you know. But you will never know for sure unless you meet me, right?"

And almost everyone said they were impressed by that. (Hehe... almost a blog post, right?). And it was a basic question... how much can a website tell you about someone? You need to talk to me, right? I also had the basic courtesy to return a message or an "express interest" with either a yes or a no. People told me later on that was also a rather non-universal event; messages to a lot of people disappear into a black hole. Of course I had a free account --- I'd reply only when someone with a paid account would first send me a message :P

And then yes I was contacted by a lot of people whose profiles I did not find so interesting. To all those whose profiles did not seem interesting enough for me, I had a standard reply. "Dear X, Thank you for your interest. Unfortunately I am talking to someone currently and do not want to step on two boats at once. I had a look at your profile and I can see that you are a very nice and educated person. I hope you find your Mr. Right soon." Well, then, what did I seek in my life partner? Much to write there... another post perhaps. But what I wrote in my profile there was just this: "Someone who complements me".

You're marrying already?

"You're marrying already?" - this is a question a lot of people tend to ask, as soon as you tell them that you are planning to get married. More importantly, this is a question I have had to ask myself a lot of times before I jumped in for the whole marriage process.Also, what is marriage for that matter? I know the philosophical definitions: sharing your life and hopes and feelings and blah blah blah. But what did it mean to me? Wouldn't it first mean trusting someone with my deepest darkest secrets? Opening up and putting myself in a very vulnerable position? Everyone is my friend, yes... but what would it take in a person for me to open up that much? We all see a lot of couples around us: living lives, fighting, raising kids, enjoying each others' arms, arguing sometimes publicly and sometimes in their own homes,smiling upon seeing one another. It all qualifies as marriage.

My definition of marriage is different: I call it a gamble. It is a calculated risk about a person who we are willing to live with and trust. You might be going through a love marriage, or it might be an arranged marriage when you met your spouse through your parents. In any and every case, it is a gamble, because you never know a person 100%. And more importantly, you don't know what the person will become in the future. Even if you are sure from what you know now, the person you are in love with today might simply change: there is no guarantee. Never.

Was I then ready for marriage? No. I am being honest - I did not believe I was ready to trust someone so much. But I hoped that I will be, eventually. And I also knew that I had to do it one day: I cannot live life completely alone. I knew that I will definitely marry some day. When that day will be is a different question. What else did I seek out of marriage? Female companionship, for sure, including physical intimacy. And no I'm not talking about just sex, but rather the intimacy and comfort two people share in close proximity to each other. I was seeking comfort and trust: of being able to sit next to one another and share a small quiet moment. And no a guy cannot simply sit next to me and share a silent moment of sweetness: it has to be a girl. So, how about having a girlfriend?

I had a girlfriend, actually: and at a quite mature age when it wasn't simply infatuation. Things did not work out: that's all. She too used to be a good girl friend (note the separate words: please don't confuse further). And it was her who had proposed: she became a girlfriend. While it lasted, it was good. But things didn't work out. I also have a few other good girl friends. Some of them I could not visualize as my wife by my side: it seemed weird. And most of them were long-distance. I had learned from the last relationship that long-distance ones don't work out so well: there is something about physical presence and closeness that feeds an emotional gap. Phone calls or emails (that too few and far between) never fill that gap: perhaps they dig the wound deeper. I thought it would be better to keep a few friends than to alienate everyone going through a string of relationships. For me, a relationship is a very committed thing. If I propose a relationship to someone I would be thinking ahead to marriage and imagining her by my side at the wedding reception. This, somehow, I couldn't bring myself to doing with anyone I knew. They just weren't my type. And I wanted to discover new things about the girl I would marry... spend a few years just getting to know her. I already knew so much about my friends. It sounds crazy, right? But in my book, when I decide that marriage is a gamble, I did not find the thought so irrational. I wanted to make an informed guess, and then latch on. Whoever you marry, you have to accept certain shortcomings and certain other star qualities. Why waste the fun of discovering all that in a new person if possible?

At the same time, the need for companionship wasn't that great that I must go hunting for a wife or a girlfriend immediately. But I knew that it would take time. In my case, from the time I actively started the process (i.e. created a profile on a matrimonial website) to the time that I actually signed the wedding form, it took close to one-and-a-half years. And the social wedding is still pending. When I jumped on to this arranged marriage bandwagon, I had three things to fall back on, then. First, it would take time for any "proposal" to materialize so that I wouldn't be tied down immediately. Second, if I happened to find to fall in love with someone while this process was on, I could always abandon ship and marry this person. Third, and finally, I always retained the option of saying no. I knew that I would never say yes to a marriage if I did not meet the girl in person and spend time with her. So beginning the process of an arranged marriage did not seem like a bad idea, considering the timing in my life and what I saw myself doing in the future. I was ready to start the process of finding someone for the arranged marriage, not marrying immediately.

Sorry girls, this one's taken

Yes it is true. This truly spectacular brilliant eligible bachelor has been snapped up by one lucky lady. She had to pay big bribes for the deal, of course. And had to meet all my demands of dowry (in fact she volunteered extra!). And agreed to show me one new Bharatnatyam pose every morning. Has also agreed to .... hehehe - okay okay I'm kidding: the Bharatnatyam is a lie. The story isn't.:) So all of you who were hoping to catch this ossum handsome gentleman for yourselves.. sorry honey, this one's taken. But hey, if you are still desperate, we can all still go to Dubai! :P

So lets get a few obvious questions out of the way. The person I am marrying is a girl, yes - you perverts! The answer to most important gossip question: yup, it is an arranged marriage. Although, as some people prefer to call it these days, "We met through our parents". The process (as in, from the day I first seriously started looking to the day the deed was signed) took about one and a half years. And yes I am pretty confident that whoever I have met is THE one: I wouldn't be taking this step if I weren't sure.

Now on to the fun questions :) She is actually aware of this blog, yes. And well, she does not quite fit all the things I wanted in my wife: "Zaroorat hai, zaroorat hai". We're working on those. And in spite of me not being good "boyfriend or husband material", she has kindly agreed to take up the challenge nonetheless. Somehow she is convinced that there is still hope for mankind. Had it not been for such optimists, well, what would we bloggers ever do? :D

So in the future, you can look forward to posts about what made me go in for an arranged marriage, what were experiences in meeting the different girls, what did I want in someone who I would call my partner for life, and the how did I get to finally decide and convince myself if she is the One. Perhaps most importantly, and the first question to be answered in my next post, when and how did I know that I wanted to get married? Relax Neo, the answers are coming. :)

Fine reads

I was talking to my sister recently and somehow the topic of books came up. I was telling her that I have so many nice books to read - am not finding enough time for them. Her pithy comment was, "Do you think there will ever be a time when you will not want to read a book?". I mused and I thought, naah, not really possible.

I might have mentioned this on the blog before, but my love for reading books stems from two primary sources: my grandfather and my mother. At my grandfathers' place we have this huge collection of books, right from the Upanishads to the Complete Works of Rabindranath Tagore. When I was a kid, I would usually come home after every vacation spent at his place with one or two gifts from one particular almirah: it had all sorts of gifts from medical firms with promotional labels of various drugs on them. But as soon as I turned old enough to understand some of the books, somehow the charms of the gifts started fading away. One of the best things I discovered as a kid was his collection of the Popular Mechanics encyclopedia. I have spent quite a few hours in his secluded library-ish section of the house poring through those instructions and figures for building all sorts of fun stuff at home. And then a little more maturity brought me closer to the works of Sharat Chandra Chattopadhyay and little compilations of short stories from Rabindranath. I started to bring home entire collections of books from my grandfather's place when I used to return from my vacation, rather than little toys. They were fascinating reads. Although my head wasn't capable enough to grasp all the subtle nuances and underlying sarcasm of the society, whatever did not slip through the sieves provided enough nourishment to my brain cells.

I think the prime objective of all the language courses that are taught in school is not to make you learn obscure articles by rote but rather to teach you how to interpret the true meanings of those poems and clips from short stories and novels. My grandfather can and often does, to this day, quote wonderful passages from myriad Bengali poets and the Gita and Upanishads: all of these he had memorized in his school days. This very aspect of leading a life where you are intellectually capable of expressing feelings in such wonderful words is very fulfilling, I think. And of course it has been very inspiring to see it happen right in front of my eyes. Which leads us then to the secondary objective of the language courses we took in school: learn and remember the good stuff. Whether you like it or not, at one fine moment in life you would probably feel more emotionally and spiritually satisfied if you remember the beauty of one of those poems befitting the moment; forget the intellectual contentment. Fortunately, in my case, at least some of these courses brought to me "education" together with the quest for good marks in subjects such as Bengali which were considered unanimously difficult. As I went through some works of Michael Madhusudan Dutta or the intricacies of the character of Bipradas, it was enriching in its own way. Especially, since what I had learned at school equipped me to dig deeper into the meaning of the printed words: I feel fortunate that I did go through those courses in language.

In parallel, though, the collection of books in English literature that my mother had accumulated during her PhD hooked me up in a very different way. The classic works of English fiction were at hand, and I made full use of those. Curled up at home during lazy afternoons in vacations, I read a lot of those, and I mean a lot: right from R. L. Stevenson to Anita Desai. And of course this addiction to good books made me a compulsive buyer of books myself. Any books that come recommended by friends or someone erudite and respected usually remain tagged in my head: if I spot them and have the budget and time, I buy them! One of my favourite haunts was the annual book fair in my home town. It wasn't of course as big as the Calcutta book fair, but this fascination has lasted over the years and I've bought the entire collections of Sherlock Holmes and Salman Rushdie either at book fairs or from Mumbai's footpaths. I must also mention about the books related to the Ramakrishna Math and Mission I've bought as well - biographies, letters, lectures, reminisces... a really big selection which I've read entirely. I feel grateful to my school for introducing me to these books and thoughts: they form a large part of my collection at home.

Finally, I think I am getting to like non-fiction a lot more these days. An initial hook might have been the works of Ayn Rand and Swami Vivekananda, but now I have books from Steven Pinker and Richard Dawkins on my bookshelf. And there have been blogs, newspaper editorials, magazines like The Economist, etc - all dealing with facts and news and giving insights into the happenings around the world. If you are one of those who claim the ten years of History classes at school were useless, think again - you are more influenced by those than you think. But the real puzzle of late has been to find the time to read all those books I possess. One of my new year resolutions, therefore, is to stop buying more books and read what I already have. I really really want to read them. And more importantly, re-read some of the things I read as a teenager. Vivekananda, Ayn Rand, Sharat Chandra Chattopadhyay. I am certain that I need to revisit and replenish the philosophy they have given to me. The cumulative effect I feel steers my psyche everyday.